Why I NEED My Horse

My horse, UP, is the most important aspect of my recovery. Without him, no recovery, no chance. Once again he has proven that to me. For the majority of my winter break home from college, I have been feeling very, very voiceless. My response to feeling voiceless is to try to speak with my body, using the ED and the SI. So, UP decided today would be a good day to teach me about what is really going on with the voiceless-ness. Let me explain. . .

As usual, I let UP out of the pasture and set about brushing him. Then I started to play with him, just like always. Start with groundwork to set the foundation for riding. And then he pays NO attention. He is looking everywhere, has his mind everywhere, but on me. . . Of course, I feel ignored and unimportant, like he does not care. And I was angry; Up is the only "person" I am emotionally honest with and I was just enraged. Every time UP would look away, I smacked him good with the "carrot stick." Guess what? Did not do me a damn bit of good; he got more and more frustrated and paid less and less attention. What was the equivalent of using my body got me nowhere, the communication I wanted to occur, did not.

So, I decided to just move into riding, and then I listened to him. He, the entire time, was telling me that he was interested in what else was going on around him. I decided to let him explore such things. We went and visited the neighbors, looked at the fire, and met the horses. The whole time, I used the words he and I had established. Guess what? HE WAS WONDERFUL. We played in the yard and did dressage, worked on our right lead and I learned about feeling my body again.

My point is that UP is invaluable when it comes to me learning to understand what is going on in my recovery. Without him and his teachings, I am lost into the abyss that is an eating disorder and self injury cavern.