For the one of you who reads this, maybe my journey has started again. I have been going through a rough patch and eating still freaks me out and the whole "hallucination" thing is still there, but I know I need to recover. I know I cannot control this ED if I give it a step in the door. So, I ate 581 calories today, and as anxiety provoking and as fat as I feel right now, I am sticking it out. NO PURGING!!
I meet with the N again tomorrow and that might be weird; I know I will not want to be honest with her, at all. I am feeling really guilty because I have slipped SO badly recently (which makes me want to slip more) and I just want to hide away under a rock so I do not have to face anybody. I feel a lot like a failure. Also, I made an emergency appointment with the T on Friday; I think I really need to see her. I am scared. At the root of a lot of me is fear--of losing control, of being crazy, of dying, of failing, of being hurt, of not being loved, of {fill in with whatever}. Gotta deal with that. I also want to discuss the possibility of meds and the possible benefits of IOP/Resi.
What a long journey this is indeed. . . bumpy too!
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