Damn the voice in my head!

I hate her, the girl in my head. But I still listen to her. . . I even know before she is going to come calling and yet, I still listen to her. What an obedient servant I can be! I knew she would hurt me if I tried to eat more than she said I could. But I did not listen and she, of course, acted upon her threat. God, she did hurt me and I wish I knew how to live without her. But I do not. . . ::cry:: I am such a failure at living with her, but I cannot abandon the promise she holds. Utter control over me, purity, thinness, perfection. But I have to play her game to get there.

So, what am I freaking out about? 545 calories, 145 of which I was told not to eat and 100 of which are negative calories (it takes more energy to digest than they provide). I knew the minute I tried to defy her she would make me pay. Now my throat hurts, my stomach hurts, and I have teeth marks on my hand. I was utterly unaware how much power she really was exerting over me until I tried to defy her. The 145 calories made me SO afraid of gaining weight. I could literally feel the obesity setting in, my waistline expanding. Yay for delusional ED thoughts and hallucinations. I knew I was not going to gain weight but the fear was overwhelming. I had to stop myself from digesting that food. I need help, damn it. I need help. I just need to figure out how to get it. . . *sigh*

I know if I keep this eating pattern up, I will not be able to event this summer. I know I will not be passing classes and I know I will really hurt myself. But I do not feel like I know how to stop. And that scares me.