Craziness.

I lost it. I don't see what other people see. I don't know why and it scares me. I purged last night and I had a horrible headache afterward. Every time I stand up, my head throbs quite a bit. I'm not sure what I've done, but I'm not sure I intend to stop.

I see the warning signs. I know where I am headed; the question is whether I care. Today I don't. Tomorrow I might. Craziness at it's best.

I'm afraid of who I am. I'm afraid of who I'm not, who I should be, and why I am not that person. I am so confused about what other people see; it isn't what I see and I know my reality isn't real. I am playing all the trigger games. How long until I give in?

My mind is in chaos. I cannot go on like this; should I try? I don't know where I am going and I don't know why I am even going. That's it. I'm lost. I cannot even read the map; in fact, I am not even sure I can find the map. I might not even be looking. I'm so lost.

They say. . .

They say I'm strong.
They say I'm a fighter.
They say I'm brave.

If only they knew. I'm not brave, I'm desperately hiding from everything that scares me. I'm not strong; I've been hiding behind the ED and SI for years. Those things support me, not psychic strength. I never once fought. I had time and time to try, to say 'no', but I never once did. I didn't fight; I submitted.

153

8am--151

156.