157.

I was worried about going to the doctor today because I needed more a/ds. I'm really rather sick of people thinking that I am sick and need help. Yeah, I have my issues, but doesn't everybody. Mine seem to be, at this point, just socially unacceptable. Some people drive too fast when they are frustrated. I cut. Nobody sends people who drive too fast to counseling, getting several sets of people involved. Ya know. I'm managing. Just because I'm not thrilled about everything, a little upset sometimes, does not mean I'm crazy.

Sure, I want to be happy and who could complain about having a therapist to talk to, but when there are finite resources and time, I'm not at a point where that is important. Perhaps the word is yet, but I have rent to pay, groceries to buy, horses to keep and those things are NOW.

Perhaps most of all, I'm scared that other people are seeing something that I refuse to see. And that my blindness will take me somewhere I do not want to go.

Skinny Comments

Last night, somebody said, "you are so skinny." I fought with the comment. Psychologically anyway. But how do I process that? It is the single biggest inconsistency in what people see and what I see. By no means am I underweight; in fact, I think I am overweight.

It really rattled me up.