Another Transition

Tomorrow. I leave tomorrow. For my first summer as a real adult. I will pay rent, own a car, buy my own food, clothes and gas. Completely and totally on my own. I'm not scared, but I am anxious. I am worrying about money, about my horse, about failing Bruce. Okay, yes, I am worried about being imperfect, about not being perfect. I am going as a student. Students are supposed to be imperfect; Bruce is the only one who could even possibly be expected to be perfect. I am okay with him falling off, so why am I so paranoid about falling off myself.

So, yes, I stand upon the border of yet another transition. And that is okay with me. I like the idea of transitions, I just get nervous about them. I will be okay. But the lead up is unsettling.

And I am going to miss my horse, a lot. I was laying in the grass with him today and he nosed me after about ten minutes, to see if I was okay! It was adorable. Bruce may have a lot on me, but I would never let him touch my horse. UP is a very special horse and traditional training, any force, any lack of equality and he becomes what Jackie called "a killer." That's why he and I get on so well--equality. We both demand respect, neither of us can lie about anything, and we can laugh at each other. UP laughs at me all the time and I tease him big time. I think my relationship with him must feel like what people think love is. HEHE! And this (hopefully) will be the last three months I ever have to spend away from him.

Being Home

Honestly, being at home is miserable. I don't like living with large groups of people, or any other people for that matter. I don't like other people believing they should have control over my life or behavior. I don't like people paternalizing me, at all. Perhaps this is why I get on so well with Dr. B, minimal to no paternilization. I'm a bright adult and if I screw up, I probably should pay the consequenses. Besides, it is an incentive to not screw up again. (Okay, so I am clearly an economist!)

I have had a tough few days home, really slipping up good. But I am not going to submit altogether. I have a new plan that includes one of the strictest, most obsessive MPs and keeping a notebook of daily commitments toward recovery. I am going to keep very open email communication with M and continue to work on my assertiveness. And keep journaling. I do feel really desperate right now, but I have pulled myself out of worse spots than this before so, here goes nothing!

This is weird

I am feeling so much dissonance about my weight and body right now. Half of me, the rational half of me, is scared. Two people have assured me that I look thinner. Really?? I don't really see it, but my perception is all screwy. The other half of me, the eating disorder voice, is screaming about how successful I am. How much control I have.

I get excited every time the number on the scale drops, even a half pound. And at the same time, I worry that I will not be able to get out.

I enjoy not having to eat. And at the same time, I know I need to eat more.

I like the fact that I completely control my intake and I know my weight and I know my calories. And at the same time, I know that knowing those things is dangerous and self defeating.

I like the feeling of jeans that get looser and looser. And at the same time, I am scared that someday what were my skinny jeans will fall off me.

I don't feel like this is my mind going right now. I am not supposed to be disconcerted by weight loss. The dissonance between what I believe and what I know is overwhelming. . . and that perpetuates itself. Of course, this couldn't be easy.

I am going to miss her. . .

and I am sad that the relationship is ending, even crying a little. I really liked my T and I think she is going to be one hell of a therapist, but summer is here and both she and I are headed to new places. I hope she learned something from me and I know I learned a lot from our sessions. I cannot do anything to prevent the end and it is okay for me to be a little sad. It makes me kinda want to use behaviors to get this feeling away from me, but that would be silly. Marking the end of T by giving in to all that I have worked so hard to get out of would be akin unto blasphemy. So guess what? I am going to celebrate my achievements and developments and keep opting in for recovery. I am going to acknowledge that I am sad, but that I don't have to act on it.

Now it is time for my morning snack and I am going to eat it while I edit a paper.

A New Day!

Today is a new day! I just finished breakfast and I used the meal as an opportunity to eat something different than my normal yogurt. And there were A LOT more calories in it than normal. But that won't hurt me. Sorry, Ed. Those calories will not make me f*t or obese or cause my body to swell beyond control. Those calories will give me energy and nutrition to enjoy life and do everything I want to do.

Previously, when I have had these moments of high motivation I crash. I tend to crash HARD. But I have some strategies to deal with it this time. I am a little more settled with myself and the Zoloft is working well.

No more crashes.

Body Image is a BITCH!

I know I am not a horrible person.
I know I am even a pretty bright.
I know I am not fat.

But I still hate my body. It is like I am at war with my body. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, in this body that I have. As stressful as my mind can be, my body is worse. It is as though my body is completely alien and wrong to me. It's so weird. And I don't know what to do with it. It's not a part of me. I often have a desire to scrape my body away. Just cut it off every little bit of fat and flesh. Bones, for some reason, seem to have some sort of special property that makes them not entirely terrible. Just bones. I want to be just bones. No fat, no flesh. I don't even understand that.

Anorexia's logic never makes any sense; it is simply the antithesis of logic. And, yet, despite all that CT training I have, I still give into the logic. But this time I am going to try to figure out some ways to argue with that logic. Because, frankly, there is nothing wrong with my body.