A great deal of the research I have read discusses how people with eating disorders and self injury have trouble using words to express emotions and other aspects of life. I believe this to be very true. The ED/SI are honestly how I communicate everything: the need for support, frustration, loneliness, pain, sadness, even happiness. They are also my way of expressing emotions.
One of the things I really hate about recovery is how I often feel like a really stupid person. Unlike the things I never learned was what every five year old learns. How to cry. How to express fear. How to ask for help. How to express opinions. Now, I know why I never learned these lessons, but I always feel like an idiot trying to figure out how to unlearn the lessons I did learn and learn the lessons I missed.
I even have to learn how to be hungry. When you are little, most people learn how to eat and recognize hunger and fullness. You cry when you are hungry or you beg mom for something to eat. You stop eating when you are full. I did not learn those lessons. I do not know what hunger feels like or how to distinguish it from anxiety or nausea. I have not a clue what it means to be feel full. These, as odd as this may seem, are hard lessons to learn. I really doubt my ability to learn them sometimes.
Despite everything I know about psychology, economics, math, therapeutic methods, horses, or anything else, these lessons are baffling. I struggle with these. I need tutoring to figure them out. Everything I am comfortable with cannot help me here and I anticipate this class to continue for years and years.
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