These scars and their paradoxical effect will be the death of me yet. Let me explain. I really, really want the scars from the SI. I do not cut so much for the pain or the blood, but for the scars. Right, I am actually in it for the long term benefits. This is not to say the blood and pain do not satisfy other aspects of my psyche, but the scars have been making themselves the primary reason right now.
So what do these scars mean such that I want to have them? Scars tell my story. Recall I am feeling rather voiceless right now, and the scars are telling me and anyone else who should accidentally see them what I am experiencing. How will you know I am hurting if you cannot see my pain? I am not going to use words, so if I want to express the pain of feeling trapped and condemned I have to show you.
Honestly, I do feel trapped right now. I have been doing reading on SI for a paper I was going to write and realizing my hope of recovery is less then stellar. I am in a bad place for recovery and sometimes I can be a little stubborn about the idea. But I am feeling a lot like I cannot recover right now. And all that does is push me further into the behaviors. (And I see myself planning for using ED behaviors tomorrow, but am I doing anything. . . a little I guess).
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