Ed's telling me I am gross and f*t. How do I not believe him?

NO MORE!

Okay, I am getting more and more frustrated with Ed. And I am walking out on him. Granted, he is fucking clingy and hangs on with death grips and I won't be able to shake him easily, but I am SO SICK of thinking about food and weight and the scale all the time. I want to think about horses, about economics, about mathematics. SO, I WILL HAVE NO MORE!

Here is to willingness. I just covered the numbers on my scale with a sign that says "be comfortable in your genes, sturdy girl!" I am going to take my DPs to the dumpster tonight. I am going to eat on my MP, no matter what. No matter how lousy or f*t or uncertain I perceive myself to be. No matter how scared. No matter how frustrated.

It is ridiculous for me to continue to behave this way, especially when I hate it SO much. This is not only a matter of going to the T and the N and the GP. This is a matter of Savvy going to T, and N, and GP and taking all of the advice and knowledge home with her. I am sick of just following what Ed says and not challenging one word of it. Fuck that. Here is to s. I love them, I need them like there is no tomorrow. There is no reason why I should separate my desire for intellectual and personal challenge from emotional challenge. I want to grow and develop all the way around.

So, this is my stand. NO MORE ED! I am not his girlfriend any more.

Yes, Definitely an Economist here. . .

I just created a nascent utility function to describe why I have an eating disorder instead of relationships. It needs some honing, but I did it, right in my journal. Complete with a graph of risk aversion toward relationships.

A funny thing just happened

I let somebody help me. I let somebody support me and encourage me. And it feels okay. Granted, it is a person in cyberspace, but it was a person and s/he did help me. I don't quite know how to process that. But then again, do I ever know how to process anything?

Is it just me, or is life confusing? I am really having an odd time of it right now. Am I sane? Do I really have an eating disorder? Am I so crazy that I develop an eating disorder because I want one?? Am I so fucking needy and weird that nothing is going to help me? Do I want to eat now? Do I need to eat now?

I am so amazingly in awe at this "reality" I am in right now. It's not that I am ambivalent about "recovery;" rather, that I am so determined in both directions. Simultaneously, I want to be thin and happy/energetic/healthy. Those are two INCOMMENSURABLE objectives. But I very desperately want both of them, and I want them in the extreme. None of this normal stuff, "normal" weight. I don't want normal. I desperately want to be different; I just don't want those who are normal to recognize that I am different in a way that benefits them. I want people with whom I identify, intelligent, thoughtful and forward moving people to notice my difference. Blath, it's all just crazy talk. Just crazy talk. . . and that is the clue that I probably just hit on something important. My immediate change of direction without any warning suggests that there is something there that might be a little disruptive to my way of being. . .

Perhaps it is that when I acknowledge I want affirmation from others means that I am not a rock in the storm, perhaps it signals that I am not truly autonomous, perhaps it signals that I am not as independent as I would like to think. It says that I need other people. Shit. I don't want to need other people, I get hurt when I need other people. Those people either leave or they don't treat me well. God damn it. This is an issue and I don't want to face it. I mean, who wants to say they need others, that they are not the island they thought they were.

I sure as hell don't, but now that I have said it. . . what do I do???

Again, You know you're an economist when. . .

(1) Think to yourself how fascinating it would have been to live through the Great Depression.
(2) Spend an entire day preoccupied with what the Fed is going to do tomorrow!

I need help

And I know that. I know I spend my life teetering on the edge of making (or actually making) dangerous decisions. But I don't know where to start when it comes to getting help. I appreciate the opportunity costs associated with making sure that EVERYONE has the exact help they need, where they need it, when they need it. I am not asking for that; it would be extremely selfish. But I am asking that, when I am willing to consider making huge sacrifices for help that such help be available.

Part of it is me, I know. I need to reach out. I need to say that I am lonely and face that. Find people that will support and help me. But I wish it were that easy. I don't get on with my peers well, so that is generally out. I get on wonderfully with my professors, but where do I draw the line? Besides, I am afraid that I would change their opinions of me. For example, as I have been feeling extremely needy recently, I have been going to Dr. H's office really regularly, not only for the wonderful economic discussion that we have, but also for the sense of acceptance, mutual respect and affection I receive. I enjoy having close intellectual mentors and I wish I could tell him how much I am struggling just to get through the day. But I am so afraid he will think less of me. How could he not? I cannot but think less of me, why would I expect any difference from him? I just happen to be feeling very alone and silent lately. It is getting to me.