Sunday, September 30, 2007

Ed's telling me I am gross and f*t. How do I not believe him?

Wednesday, September 26, 2007


Okay, I am getting more and more frustrated with Ed. And I am walking out on him. Granted, he is fucking clingy and hangs on with death grips and I won't be able to shake him easily, but I am SO SICK of thinking about food and weight and the scale all the time. I want to think about horses, about economics, about mathematics. SO, I WILL HAVE NO MORE!

Here is to willingness. I just covered the numbers on my scale with a sign that says "be comfortable in your genes, sturdy girl!" I am going to take my DPs to the dumpster tonight. I am going to eat on my MP, no matter what. No matter how lousy or f*t or uncertain I perceive myself to be. No matter how scared. No matter how frustrated.

It is ridiculous for me to continue to behave this way, especially when I hate it SO much. This is not only a matter of going to the T and the N and the GP. This is a matter of Savvy going to T, and N, and GP and taking all of the advice and knowledge home with her. I am sick of just following what Ed says and not challenging one word of it. Fuck that. Here is to s. I love them, I need them like there is no tomorrow. There is no reason why I should separate my desire for intellectual and personal challenge from emotional challenge. I want to grow and develop all the way around.

So, this is my stand. NO MORE ED! I am not his girlfriend any more.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Yes, Definitely an Economist here. . .

I just created a nascent utility function to describe why I have an eating disorder instead of relationships. It needs some honing, but I did it, right in my journal. Complete with a graph of risk aversion toward relationships.

A funny thing just happened

I let somebody help me. I let somebody support me and encourage me. And it feels okay. Granted, it is a person in cyberspace, but it was a person and s/he did help me. I don't quite know how to process that. But then again, do I ever know how to process anything?

Friday, September 21, 2007

Is it just me, or is life confusing? I am really having an odd time of it right now. Am I sane? Do I really have an eating disorder? Am I so crazy that I develop an eating disorder because I want one?? Am I so fucking needy and weird that nothing is going to help me? Do I want to eat now? Do I need to eat now?

I am so amazingly in awe at this "reality" I am in right now. It's not that I am ambivalent about "recovery;" rather, that I am so determined in both directions. Simultaneously, I want to be thin and happy/energetic/healthy. Those are two INCOMMENSURABLE objectives. But I very desperately want both of them, and I want them in the extreme. None of this normal stuff, "normal" weight. I don't want normal. I desperately want to be different; I just don't want those who are normal to recognize that I am different in a way that benefits them. I want people with whom I identify, intelligent, thoughtful and forward moving people to notice my difference. Blath, it's all just crazy talk. Just crazy talk. . . and that is the clue that I probably just hit on something important. My immediate change of direction without any warning suggests that there is something there that might be a little disruptive to my way of being. . .

Perhaps it is that when I acknowledge I want affirmation from others means that I am not a rock in the storm, perhaps it signals that I am not truly autonomous, perhaps it signals that I am not as independent as I would like to think. It says that I need other people. Shit. I don't want to need other people, I get hurt when I need other people. Those people either leave or they don't treat me well. God damn it. This is an issue and I don't want to face it. I mean, who wants to say they need others, that they are not the island they thought they were.

I sure as hell don't, but now that I have said it. . . what do I do???

Monday, September 17, 2007

Again, You know you're an economist when. . .

(1) Think to yourself how fascinating it would have been to live through the Great Depression.
(2) Spend an entire day preoccupied with what the Fed is going to do tomorrow!

Friday, September 14, 2007

I need help

And I know that. I know I spend my life teetering on the edge of making (or actually making) dangerous decisions. But I don't know where to start when it comes to getting help. I appreciate the opportunity costs associated with making sure that EVERYONE has the exact help they need, where they need it, when they need it. I am not asking for that; it would be extremely selfish. But I am asking that, when I am willing to consider making huge sacrifices for help that such help be available.

Part of it is me, I know. I need to reach out. I need to say that I am lonely and face that. Find people that will support and help me. But I wish it were that easy. I don't get on with my peers well, so that is generally out. I get on wonderfully with my professors, but where do I draw the line? Besides, I am afraid that I would change their opinions of me. For example, as I have been feeling extremely needy recently, I have been going to Dr. H's office really regularly, not only for the wonderful economic discussion that we have, but also for the sense of acceptance, mutual respect and affection I receive. I enjoy having close intellectual mentors and I wish I could tell him how much I am struggling just to get through the day. But I am so afraid he will think less of me. How could he not? I cannot but think less of me, why would I expect any difference from him? I just happen to be feeling very alone and silent lately. It is getting to me.