Finally, a good day, kinda. I was restricting a lot, but I got some really big, good news and I was given new spirit to defeat this disorder. There is no way I am going to be as far in this ED/SI when I go to Chesterland Farms. Not flying at an intermediate fence with brittle bones from not eating. Not doing Intermediate dressage with two purges in a day. NO FUCKING WAY!! I do not know how long this is going to last, but I am going to work as hard as I can while this feeling lasts. I decided to try to eat a fear food everyday; I had cheese soup today. I decided to try to meet my calorie goals too, even though my mind is still telling me to undercut them.
Honestly, the anxiety and the disgust associated with food still exist and I still want to eat less; I still feel the urges. I just have some renewed vigor to fight them. I am still not comfortable with eating too may real calories. I would rather have just negative calories. And for now, I will be okay with that because I do not want to leap to fast right now. But I am willing to leap a little bit.
I have new fight in me and I am going to try to nurture the little bit I feel right now into a lifestyle such that I can at least stay headed toward recoverED, even if I will not end the journey until I deal with some of the crucial underlying issues.
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