It's like a battle that never ends. It ebbs and flows, but it never disappears. Right now, I suppose I'm in a flow period. I am struck by the need to lose weight, the need for attention, the need for attention. The fact that I'm not perfect and that other people seem to see a different reality than I do. That has plagued me for as long as I can remember being self analytical enough to even think about such things. I loathed and others loved. I loathed and others admired. I loathed and others praised.
Every day I see things that trigger me, that remind me how wrong I am. And I still, to this day, don't know how to process such experiences. I desperately want to talk to somebody and I don't know who. People who care, leave or get torn away by other things. And the people I care about, I'm not supposed to care about them. Places where I connect, I'm supposed to detach. And with those with whom I am detached, those people I am supposed to care about deeply. It's like I don't work right.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Getting my tushie in gear. I still deal with the fat issue, but something has occurred to me. The only people who claim to be recoverED are the people. Professionals rarely make such a claim; increasing evidence that perhaps recoverED is the wrong goal and I should stop berating myself for not being there. Instead, why don't I just get on with life and figure out how to deal as things come along. I don't want to worry about being recoverED; I simply want to LIVE.