I am really, really struggling right now. Well, not right now at this instant, but at this point in my life. A lot of this has to do with being at home (as that I am desperately trying to avoid in the coming summer). One of the biggest things I struggle with is breaking routine, and at home I have routine that is designed around the eating disorder and the self injury. At least at school, the routine is designed around, well, everything else. I get scared every time I start to change the routine at home because of my desperate attempt to show my parents how "well" I must be. They do not know I am struggling with the ED/SI again and I wish to keep it that way. I never want to change my routine or sit down with my coping mechanisms when people and/or my parents are around. I do not want people to know I might be struggling or there might be something "wrong" with me.
Why in god's name do I even think people would notice? I really do not, but if they should, I want to make sure I am f.i.n.e., at least in their eyes. And what would it mean for me to be "wrong"? Well, flat out, "wrong" means I am not perfect. Honestly, I know I cannot be perfect and I can even intellectualize why I do not want to be perfect. . . but I know I want to be perfect, accepted, loved, wanted, maybe even needed. I want to be important.
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