*sigh* This is getting old, very old. I wish I could stop b/p-ing. Why do I feel SO fucking fat? I know I am not, but god, do I feel fat, and ugly, and stupid. I know beating up on myself is not going to get me anywhere, but I do not know what else to do.
1.) I have got to figure out how to stand up for my rights in this dorm room. I feel like I would be whining to ask her to stop laughing randomly at whatever she is watching, but I am finding it really distracting. I could go upstairs, so why should she have to change her behavior. I could change mine. I know this is something I have to work to change. It is not always my responsibility to change. Sometimes it is, but not always. I do not really understand compromise; I understand giving in. Damn, I do feel really taken advantage of and I think that makes me take a lot of things really sensitively and then I end up in a circle of voicelessness.
2.) I am going to figure out how to appreciate the little steps I take every day. There are things I do every day to move me in the right direction. Usually they are outweighed by the things I do that go the wrong direction, but they are something. I need to learn how to be proud of myself. Some people are overly proud and full of hubris--definitely NOT my problem. So what did I do today, I ate a really good breakfast, right on with my MP and I tried to eat a healthy dinner and that spun a little out of control. I even allowed myself to journal in the middle of the day.
3.) I am going to work on improving my body image. In all reality I do not have a terrible body. It could, like most, use a little more exercise, but more than that, it could use a little less cutting, b/p-ing, restricting, general self inflicted torture. Moreover, how do I learn to accept my body as it is, before I go about trying to improve it--in a healthy manner? Well, I have two body image books on their way from Amazon.com and a little activity "Body Conversation" and yoga. I also have a T and N who might have some suggestions. Definitely on my list for next sessions.
4.) Food is not bad and I am not a bad person for eating. I think this has a lot to do with the body image issues. And my whole "I do not need" issue. I do need, period. Letting myself acknowledge that fact is a definite necessity for me to learn to allow myself to recover. Needing does not mean I am showing weakness. Not needing might show that I am a callous little b*tch, but needing shows I am human. Moreover, my MP, I need to follow it. I NEED to follow it. I cannot be trusted to make wise food choices; I cannot be trusted to choose my own foods. I NEED help to do so That is okay. I have a disease and I would not expect anyone with cancer to not need help; why do I expect me to not need help??
5.) Emotions do not mean I am out of control. The ED/SI does not put me in control. Control comes from acceptance. I am not accepting myself for who I am and the ED/SI is not controlling my emotions; they are burying my emotions such that when my emotions do surface, I am totally out of it--nervous breakdowns, panic attacks, NCUR-plan moments.
6.) Tomorrow is a new day. I will work toward recovery again tomorrow. I will try to love myself. I will try to be gentle with myself. I will try to treat my body with respect. I will do what I can to help myself get better. I do not want this ED/SI to steal another opportunity from me or ruin one more day. I will slip, of course; slips are part of the road to recovery. But relapse does not have to be on the road to recovery anymore.
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