Saturday, January 24, 2009

Get Down to Business!

I'm done with this. I've been slacking and god does it show. I'm tired all the time, weighed down by poor eating and self-loathing. This is the deal--veggies and fruits. No more silly empty useless calories, stupid white bread, processed cheese. Miss Jill has influenced me, but more than that--I'm crazy and that doesn't do much for me. But I will achieve perfection and my life will be perfect. Screw self understanding or responding to my body; my body has done nothing my fuck me over--my body needs sleep, not my mind; my body wants food, my mind is drugged by food.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

BPD Breakdown

I cannot pretend anymore. I am sick; I won't ever be normal. I just lost it with my animals. Out of nowhere I was overwhelmed by anger. I don't know where the anger came from or what I was angry at. I was just angry. The easy answer was to say that it was the dog and cat and their not getting along. But I honestly thing that was only an excuse.

It was anger from nowhere. It was an overwhelming need to dig into myself. To hate myself. Not one thing about it was rational or responsive. Nope. I wanted to gush blood. I wanted to get into the ER, but I was too scared. I want someone to say "I see." But I won't let me get close enough to appreciate their concern.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Stuck. . . I think

I don't know where I am in terms of mental health. I don't know if I'm getting sicker or healthier or going nowhere. I am a little disconcerted about this stage in my life. I feel somewhat distanced from me. AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.