Thursday, January 18, 2007

Distorted Perceptions

One of the amazingly powerful effects of EDs is the extent to which the ED can distort our realities, distort our perception of reality. (Does any other reality exist?) My sight, screwed up! My conception of nutrition, lost! My idea of happiness, control, perfection, excellence, anxiety, depression, all foreign to those without EDs! Most of all, the actual sensations of my body have been distorted by the anorexia. I bet you do not feel your body actually expand every time you eat a calorie. I do, my body is not, but I feel it. I feel it, as much as you feel the shirt you wear. Do you even see bony hands as I sit here an starve? Nope, but I see thin, beautiful hands as real as you see the screen in front of you. Really, my hands look normal, but as long as I am hungry, I see the beauty of bones. DO YOU EVEN SEE A CONNECTION BETWEEN BEAUTY AND BONES????

It is frustrating to have such distorted conceptions in my mind, but more so, it is petrifying. I know my perceptions are not anywhere close to reality, but I do know they are real to me. And I do not know HOW to move beyond this thing. The thing is within me; how do I escape that??

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