I have really been struggling with restriction--I have eaten a grand total of 2200 calories in the past three days. Exactly! And I talked with R. today and she really pointed out some good things that I have been doing, talking to Dr. B., being honest with my T, the like. Honestly, though, the anorexia is screaming that this is my life and I want to be thin, and I will be damn it! I know that is the most unhealthy thought pattern, but I am not sure I am ready to give up ana. Frankly, I like the control she gives me; although, I hate the control she takes a way. This is about control and willpower, discipline and excellence for me. And I want that stuff SO much. I hate the fact that I am almost always cold from the ED and the fact that I am exhausted. I hate the fact that my heart is arrhythmic because of the fluctuations in sugar in my system. And I have a love/hate relationship with the freaking out about 10 calories. There is a reason I sit here and drink water, not Propel. . . 10 calories, lovely. I am either crazy or one very motivated and disciplined person. Maybe both?
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