Friday, March 30, 2007

Yay, ANOTHER issue

One of the funny things about EDs is the millions of forms they take. From traditional anorexia and bulimia to chew/spit to compulsive exercise to COE/BE. The other funny thing is that the ED tries to escape you when you try to recover, changing form fluidly from day to day. So, after seven years as a "traditional" bulimic, the ED has been chasing me with anorexia, c/s, and compulsive exercise. Let me tell you, needing to exercise for an hour so I can have "permission" to eat a SMALL, HEALTHY meal is g-d awful annoying. Meticulously counting calories. . . NOT FUN EITHER!

It seems as though this is all set after set after set of different behaviors, never really a step forward, just around in a circle. BLARG!

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

A little bit of potential

I saw the doctor yesterday. I have antidepressants now. I am not entirely sure how I feel about it, but I am relatively confident it is a good thing. I am sick of being tired all the time and sick of hating myself and sick of insomnia. And I do not know how to fight it by myself. I am not giving up; I am adding another resource to my list. It does feel a little like giving up, along the lines of I am not strong enough to do it, I have to have help. And I think that says something about me, something that I have control over. If I were stronger, smarter, braver, thinner, I would be all better. That's not true. I know those things are not true.

On the other side of things, I found the campus scale. I will not say how much I was should that trigger somebody else, but I am freaking out over 1/2 a pound. And the compulsive exercise is getting fairly bad. My ankles are killing me, but I will not stop exercising. Sometimes, if I eat too soon before bed, I really freak out and have to do a bunch of situps/pushups/jumping jacks before I can go to bed. I am petrified of waking up f*t. Also, that's not true.

A lot of what I think is not true. I have good, solid training in CT, but I refuse, apparently, to apply those skills to my reality. Hmmm. They say I am bright; I still think they lie.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

I Wonder

I wonder what it would be like to spend ten, no five minutes without thinking about the ED.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

I am tired of fighting. I don't want to fight anymore.

Monday, March 19, 2007

All I want to do is curl up and never face reality.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Purging is Disgusting and Blood is Beautiful

Purging is disgusting. Your nose runs and there is vomit all over everything. Your face is within inches of what ever toilet is around. If there is no toilet, you will take what is available--out back behind the barn, in your trash can, wherever. Your knuckles will bleed. Your throat will burn and bleed in due time. Your stomach will cramp. Eventually, your stomach will learn to vomit on cue and you will be sick, whether you want to be or not after every meal. You will eat only when you know you can purge. You will think about food all the time. You will gain some sick sense of pride in your ability to purge on command. What in god's name gets me to continue doing so?

Blood, on the other hand, holds some mysterious beauty. You will hate yourself for it, but you will be intrigued by the ribbons of red warmness. They will sooth your anxiety. They will bring you back from the depths of depression. The sting will bring you back from the edge of suicide. Over and over again. You will be very ashamed however. Long sleeves and long pants always. Foundation all over your arms to try as hard as you can to make the scars invisible. You, however, will always see the lines screaming at you. You will love it and want it, as much as you hate it.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Somebody let me out of my fucked up mind!

I am crazy. Period. I do not like it; I feel like my mind is beyond my own control. Even as I make steps toward recovery, those steps are "superficial." They are behavior based. I have not hated myself more in a LONG time. Every day, the self-hatred is overwhelming. I have trouble motivating; I am a very motivated person, I just am not seeing why I should bother to get out of bed. I know the day will be terrible before I get up and I know all that will come of it is more and more self hatred and more behaviors. WHY BOTHER?! I do not feel the same way about doing a lot of the things I love. Um, horses and econ drag me a little out of this semi-catatonic state, but other than that, I feel really blarg.

Fuck it! Just fuck it all!

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

I may still think. . .

  • I need to lose weight.
  • I would be happy if I lost weight.
  • Food is bad and I am bad for eating.
  • I would be better off dead than obese.
  • I need the ED to continue functioning.

BUT, I no longer think that I am currently f*t or obese. For the first time in my life, I am aware of the fact, with varying strength, that I am not f*t or obese. It feels weird, but good (most of the time.)

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

It has been forever since

I had these thoughts. Since high school. Damn. I am scared. Of what? Of me. You see, Dr. B. said he thought the razor might hurt, but in reality, it hurts very little. I do not know what is going on in my head, but let me assure you, it is fast approaching the point where it will kill me. At least I know the razor does not hurt too much.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Sometimes I just want to gallop away. Usually, though, I simply need a gallop.

Friday, March 2, 2007

Vitriol and Virulence

I keep making the choice. I know how to not b/p. I know how to starve very well and I know how to starve myself right into a b/p episode. I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO EAT LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN. It's frustrating. I know I have a lot of training, in a lot of different areas. But for all that training, I know now how do some of the more fundamental things of humans. Intellectual chatter? Got it, down pat, no sweat, I can rattle of intellect until the end of time! But the things most humans are so good at--saying mine, look at me, I need that, I want this--I am very inept at saying. I do not know how to say "I need. . . " (fill in the blank).

Granted, it is awkward to have to say "I need you to not talk about weight" or "It would be really helpful if you would just give me a hug." (BTW, Dr. B. is so right, as much as I hate humans, I am desperate for a gentle touch.) My T and I have a program set up to help me learn how to say what I need/think/want but it is much different in a 12x12 office than it is in the real world. I do not know anything about being normal.

People often tell me to think about life before the ED, before I hated my body, before I hated myself and try to remember how much better that time was. I never understand such advice because I have not the foggiest recollection of such a time. I looked at my ankles today and just stared; they say it all: I hate myself, with amazing vitriol and virulent passion.