Just to make sure I understand how crazy and conflicted I am, I am both excited and disappointed that I ate only 495 calories today. I am really excited because that is not many and if I can do that I will lose weight. I will become perfect and pure and ME. All the fat will melt away, eventually. I am also really excited because after my shower, where I was up to 180 calories I was determined not to eat anything. But I made myself eat and that is good! I was ready to let the day go on 180 calories and hope I did not black out before bed; I was feeling really dizzy and weak and my eyes were a little bit off. At the same time as this conflicted excitement, I was disappointed for the opposite reasons. How weak am I that I have to eat 495 calories a day. All I did today was sleep and sit around. If I cannot get off my fat ass and exercise, then why the hell should I be allowed to get up off it an eat??? To boot, I am really disappointed because I have eaten only 495. I am supposed to eat 1800. Look, I am failing at everything. I cannot eat and I cannot not eat!
Why am I proud and ashamed? Disappointed and excited? A failure and a success? Where is my mind?
No comments:
Post a Comment