Should I learn to just live with this???

I suppose today was better than yesterday, but not by much. I did pretty well staying on track until Econ Club and the rice cake I grabbed on the way out the door. Well, actually, maybe yoga had a little trigger effect. I noticed how much weight I have lost and how I could feel my hipbones. I wish those hipbones were a little more pronounced, but I was proud of myself. That is as proud of me as I have been in a long time. Simply because I could feel hipbones. So, yeah, that made eating the rice cake especially difficult, which made me feel really, really out of control. You see, I was in control until I ate the rice cake. AND THEN ALL WENT TO HELL. . . kinda.

I got back from Econ Club and I very, very much wanted to binge. But I did not, at least not for about an hour and a half. I posted for a fin at SF, read, listened to music, worked, sat with the urge. I finally gave in though. Actually, I still sit at 1660 calories for the day. and about 1300 of those I threw back up again. I am unhappy that I did give in to the ED. I want to eat normal, I really do.

But the Mia serves such a fix for me. I binged right in front (well, behind) my roomie and I got away with it. I get a sense of power from that. FUCKED UP ED MIND!! I get a sense of independence from b/p-ing; I am, however, truly dependent on the ED to function right now. Scary, huh?

I also feel like the idea of recovery is a joke; I should just try to figure out how to live with the ED in the safest and best way possible. I am tired from recovery. I want to be normal. Just be normal. . . huh? I guess I do not know what that means to be "normal" although I can say that I will limit "normal" to "healthy, eating patterns" Most of my idiosyncrasies I think I should enjoy and be proud. Who knows what I want? I want to give up the ED. Step number one: tomorrow I will not binge, tomorrow I will not purge; tomorrow I will eat 650-700 calories; tomorrow I will journal before class and before bed; tomorrow I will not feel my hipbones when I do yoga. Tonight I will not binge again. I will have a string cheese before bed, just like my MP says I should and do a crossword puzzle in bed. Tonight I will not feel my hipbones or ribs before bed. Period.