Monday, January 8, 2007

The Designated Crazy One

Everybody has an eating disorder; everybody hurts themselves; everybody struggles to understand and express emotions; everybody has interpersonal difficulties. But some of us are extra special and we get to be crazy. We get to be diagnosed with MD/Os. We also suffer the stigma of being "crazy," "insane," and "disturbed." Today, while I was trying to force myself to eat something, I realized I thing not eating shows how disciplined I am, how in-control I am. Eating, on the other hand, would show I was undisciplined and out of control. During this struggle, I tried to convince myself that other people are not going to see not eating as disciplined. . . BUT THEY ARE.

Society's eating disorder defines people by what they eat. I realize that and have really messed my self up that way. I know that society defines me, my worth, my control, my life by how and what I eat. Controlling what one eats is so valued in society; take note of the hundreds of diet trends, diet books, diet plans. People want to be where I was over break. They want to be able to NOT EAT, to say no, to be in control.

I am something akin unto society's idol. And yet, I am the ostracized and stigmatized one. Interesting indeed! Now the challenge is to realize that I have to convince myself that society is wrong; control and discipline does not come from food.

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