I know this road is really rough and I know the reality is that recovery is incredibly difficult. Especially if I truly want to be recoverED to the point where I am not constantly watching out for the ED and have freed my mind from the ED thoughts. Willpower can save me from the ED behaviors, but until the ED thoughts change relapse will always be a very real possibility. And the ED thoughts and beliefs absolutely affect my reality outside the ED/SI. Things like interpersonal relationships, career aspirations, general life satisfaction, and daily emotional functioning are all crucially impacted by my ED.
I am, however, feeling at least hopeful. Like this recovery is moving somewhere. Yes, I do slip, even on a regular basis. But I feel the want to recover right now. The desire to live a happy healthy life and live it for ME. Up until this point, recovery has been about "what I was supposed to do." Why did I see an N/GP/T? Because I had some cerebral understanding that people with ED/SI were supposed to see these people. I am at the point now where I want to work, I want to try very hard, I want to recover for my own sake. Who cares what I am supposed to do? What I am supposed to do is a shaky reason to recover; now, I want to recover because I want MY life to be better.
I could continue through life on the path I have been on, but now I realize that I have the choice and desire to continue on a new path, despite the difficulty of the start, a path where I can really love myself. I do not know how yet, but I am finally feeling willing to learn the lessons.
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