That is really all I have to say, the essence of this chatter. I am petrified. I am afraid I will never recover; I am terrified I will die this way; I am scared that I will never achieve my dreams. The first time the ED/SI were a problem (assuming they went away for awhile) I was not scared that I would never recover, I was scared that I would die before I had the opportunity to recover. This time, though, the ED mindset is ruling my world. Counting calories--new behavior. Severe restriction--new behavior. Petrified of food--new behavior. Cutting my stomach--fucking new behavior. At least I was constant last time; now I am sliding down, down, down and I am afraid the slide never stops.
I kinda want to go to IOP/IP, but I am slightly afraid that (a) it will not work and then I will know I am stuck with the ED/SI , but at the same time I am afraid that IP/IOP (b) will work and then I will not have my good friends, MIA, ANA, and SALLY to hang out with when I need them. Besides, IOP/IP costs a fortune. Even the Resi center I looked up was $400 a day, excluding the money to live in one of their apartments. I am screwed, at least it feels that way.
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