Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Ready. . . Inner monologue

Bitch. Fat Slovenly Bitch. You are controlled and insane about food. You need it. It makes you fat. It eats you alive. You are the one who is supposed to be so smart and so full of potential. And here you are you wich. You horrible, fat, ugly person. Person, too nice for you. Creature, slave, slave to food. You are such a stupid, horrible person and you cannot figure out how to function as a normal healthy person. No you are crazy. Insane. Lazy. Horrible. Stupid. Ugly. FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT. OBESE OBESE OBESE OBESE OBESE BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE

Any questions?

Monday, October 19, 2009

What does it mean???

What does it mean when you know one thing and do the other???
What does it mean when you do and do not want to do something at the same time????

What can be a more apropos definition of insanity than the above???

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Life

Get on the scale, get off the scale, get on the scale, restrict, restrict, good girl, binge, purge, binge, purge, cut, get on the scale, get off the scale. Stare at the pills. Insomnia, can't get out of bed, start all over.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

One of my pet beliefs

I honestly believe that if I am organized enough, thin enough, controlled enough, clean enough, scheduled enough that everything will fall into place. Everything will be easy.

So much for rationality?

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

No Wonder

I refuse to eat and my arms look like I fought with a lawnmower that can spell. I cannot do it all. I feel like I have to do it all. And I get so frustrated with my responsibilities that I don't even know what to do. Am I talented, probably. Am I perfect, no. But I will be and then everything will fall into place.

I am very human. And I absolutely hate, hate, hate being human. I refuse to be human. One way or another, I will no longer be human.