616 Calories

And I thought I was getting better. . . not so much, it seems. I freaked out at 616 calories today. I ate a grand total of 616 calories today. I am supposed to eat 1800. How crazy am I??? I am scared I will never recover. I am scared this will kill me. I am scared. Petrified. I need help. I do not know how to handle help. . . basically, I am everything and it's opposite. I want to recover, but I do not want to give up the ED/SI because of fear. Honest, I am petrified, more than I was on Snipper flying across a state highway, more than I am at galloping toward a prelim fence. Just scared.