Friday, October 31, 2008

Speechless and Lost

Will the desire to lose weight ever go away?

Will the need to be skinny ever disappear?

Will the bleakness ever lift?

Am I ever going to be as chipper as I was immediately after the a/ds?

Monday, October 20, 2008

All of a Sudden

I'm being exceptionally noncompliant. I went from taking only half my meds to none. WHY? I'm not doing my work. WHY? WHY do I keep trying to communicate in ways that need complete translation from hell and back again? People don't understand that "thin" means "overwhelmed. But I behave as though they do.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

I will be skinny.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Someday. . .

Someday, I will be able to see what other people see when they look at me.

Someday, I will not absolutely hate me and what I see in the mirror.

Someday, I will take the good and the bad with a grain of salt instead of pure evil and perfection dichotomies.

Monday, October 6, 2008

I really want it back.

I really want to be skinny and I really want anorexia back. I want that control, that hunger, that emptiness. The red marks on my scream how much I hate myself. And I know my behavior is NOT useful, not practical. If I weren't so scared of failure or imperfection, I might take up letting myself admit that I am horrible or even tolerable. I would not have to make up excuses to fail, manipulations to push people away, to show them that it isn't me who is imperfect, but the devil child following me around. I refuse to allow myself to take blame. And I'm a manipulative bitch to other humans.

Do I even know what is me and what is her?

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Perhaps the Professionals Missed Something

Only one person ever suggested Borderline Personality Disorder as a plausible diagnosis. And I always flat out dismissed it. Now I am reconsidering. Seems logical enough. I have a horrible time with relationships and social interactions. My moods fluxuate WILDLY. Oh, and I don't trust anyone.