Lady Talk

I don't know what it is, but I HATE that time of the month. There are likely deep psychological reasons that I have not yet even begun to approach and are intimately related to my dad's general assholeness. But even on a very superficial level. I get bloated--yick--and there is a substantial level of inconvenience and for a couple days, I just feel like crap. My stomach and back ache, worse than bulimia stomach cramps and vomiting neck cramps.

I hate my midsection anyway, this only makes me want to cut it off all the more.

Good Sentences

In general, Laura Collins frustrates me. I am not sure what qualifications she has as an expert on eating disorders, but today she has some very good words about the distinction between eating disorders and disordered eating and the impact of culture.

I know they mean well. . .

But it makes me feel so tiny and stupid when people's reaction to my eating disorder is completely about food. For example, a professor I dearly love reacted to my participation in NEDAW by asking if I would eat a cookie if she brought it in. I said yes. She asked if I would throw it up. I said no. I know she means well and I know it means a lot to her to see me eat normally. But such questions and concerns, only make me want to eat in a more disordered fashion. For no other reason than to prove everybody else wrong and show everybody that these are my choices.

Recovery and food are not related as a biconditional. It is not "you are able to recover, if and only if you eat normally." Instead, it is an implication. If you eat, then you are able to recover. Eating and weight restoration are not the only things necessary for recovery. If that were the case, I was never really sick. Nobody would, and nobody has, ever picked up, on my disordered habits. My disorder is a private battle and a personal medal for me. I know that secrecy is a necessary condition for an ED to thrive and grow, so I work hard to avoid being secretive about it. It is a biologically based mental illness (see any research by Walter Kaye) and it is not my fault. Nobody blames diabetics. Nobody asks diabetics if their blood sugar is going to spike or if they can eat a cookie. For everybody else in the world, people don't judge you for eating or not eating one cookie.

So much of my ED, so much of every ED, happens internally. It is the voices in my head telling me how horrible I am. How evil I am. How much I don't deserve to eat, or that by eating one thing off my plan, I have to eat everything in sight just so I can purge because never eating again is the only response to eating in anything close to a normal way. I don't want people to know about my ED and I don't expect the majority of the population to understand the nature of ED's, but I wish they would realize that they DON'T know. And if you don't know, don't draw conclusions about me or any of my fellow sufferers, because until you read the research, until you talk to us, listen to our struggle, YOU DON'T GET IT. And that doesn't make me think any less of you. To admit you don't know is a much more impressive act than to pretend you do and judge people.

And to end this: screw the world. I am so angry at everything and everybody and I feel like I might explode. So, in about 10 hours, I will be all but unwilling to get out of bed because the anger will lead to extreme self-deprecation and obsessions. And I am never eating again.

My Reaction to Obesity

My reaction is very similar to the "love the sinner, hate the sin" concept. I have real problems with such a position.

Very Good Sentences

There's a westernized notion of self that's not accurate," Warren explained. "It says there's a self trapped inside this meat I call my body, which is different from the body, yet mirrored by it. So at some core level the anorexic believes that if she eats she'll become fat; and if here body is fat, her self must be disgusting and awful."

from: GAINING by Aimee Lui

The Anorexic Wish

I want to be both underweight, never eat and be mentally sane, not afraid of food.

I don't know where, when or how I decided this, but not eating is a sign of capability, strength and independence.

Disclosure

So, as I go through the process of disclosure about CSA, I use the fact that I don't necessary know the right terms to use as a way of minimizing the trauma. But the more time I spend in the disclosure process, reading and talking, I realize lots of things have names. And then they are totally real for me. And it is scary.

Today's realization: Digital rape.

You know you are bulimic when. . .

. . . there is no appreciable difference between purging and crying, the former is just an easier way to deal with your feelings.

Hypocrite

As I desperately cling to my ED, I am going to wear a different ED awareness shirt every day for NEDAW.

HYPOCRITE!

Something positive and special

I have an amazingly beautiful and wonderful mare. She tries so hard, even when she is sore or trying something new. She is unconditionally loving and sweet with me, even if it is only because I am the bearer of peppermints. We went on a 2.5 mile trot this morning and she was so energetic and willing and the end was just orgasmic. She was on the bridle, trotting rhythmically and energetically.

And in that moment, in every moment I spend with her, I am safe. My mind is quiet and calm, my heart peaceful and joyous. She listens to every word I speak and even if she doesn't understand those words, she doesn't fight about it, doesn't beg for me to pay attention to her. She just rests her head on my chest and breathes. She is better than imperfectly perfect, she is perfect.

Holy mother of freaking cold!

Obesity

It frustrates me that many advocates for eating disorders behave as though obesity isn't a problem or that fighting obesity encourages eating disorders/disordered eating. Set point theory is well supported by the evidence, but I don't think the theory implies that some people have set points well above 300 pounds.

I also find that ED advocates have a tendency to react rather viscerally to the word "diet" as some sort of restrictive eating regimen, when it sometimes means "intake." So, just because Michelle Obama said the kids needed a change in diet, doesn't mean restricting them in an unhealthy way; rather, it may mean changing their intake to a more healthy combination of foods. (That said, Barack's statement that Malia was a little chubby is completely unacceptable, especially in a public situation).