One step at a time. . .

and you shall climb mountains. Up to 670 calories today. I am so very scared of that number and I feel so very guilty about the number. Maybe I should try to stop focusing on the calories. I think I would feel really very, um, un-me without the number of calories. I am afraid to try and stop the calorie counting, but I do not really know why I developed the behavior and why I find it so tantalizing.

Today was crazy and I really do not know what else to say about it. I am not comfortable with a new development; I had hoped anything beyond some struggles would be unnecessary in the situation. And despite the opportunity I had to be emotionally honest, I did not. I still kinda lied. I was more honest than I wanted to be, but I was not very honest. I am having issues with my boss too. . . what else is new? I am just really stressed and I want to SI because I think that will make the feelings go away. Unfortunately it will, but for only a precious few minutes. Those few minutes are enough to get me back into reality and function again.

Little scare today as well, I had about 270 calories and then I went to work and stood outside for three hours freezing my little batoot off. Cold weather makes you use a lot of calories to keep warm apparently because when I got back to my dorm room I was exhausted and I had to sleep and it took me forever to warm up again, like an hour or so. I was kinda off balance when I walked too.

Also, my T wants me to see somebody else to work on the ED behaviors, which would be fine. BUT, this person requires the insurance card from my family. I want the help with the behaviors so I can spend the time with my T talking about what is underlying the behaviors and time with the N to create a MP I feel comfortable. . .but I do not want my parents to have any indication that I am struggling with the ED again. And this time, while not worse, the ED is much more mentally controlling. They do not need to know that and I think I am hurt by them knowing.

Yay for modified stream of consciousness posts. . .