Saturday, March 27, 2010

Good Sentences

From: Still Loved by the Sun by Migael Scherer.

"It is like an illness, like malaria; once it invades the body it never leaves. Grief and pain and terror are its fever. His violence infected me, and all my healthy life fights against it. The struggle leaves me wasted, empty."

"To her, it is something to "get over" as soon as possible, rather than to assimilate slowly and naturally."

"Keep going with it. There is no reason you have to fight what you're remembering, especially if you feel safe. It's possible that what is happening with those flashbacks is helping you to heal."

"The answer was simple, but difficult to say, "Someone hurt me. . . a bad man hurt me. . . a very bad man."

My Reaction to Obesity, Part II

I do judge people by their weight. Now, before you completely scorn me for such behavior, note that I am ashamed my judgment. When I see an obese individual, I not only see everything I fear most, I also see myself. I see a lack of control; I see dirtiness; I see undesirability.

Because a relate a cultural fear so closely to valid, understandable, psychological fears, I see my ED as a biological proclivity that is given direction by society. If I didn't live in a fat phobic society, I would probably have channeled the biology in a different direction, but it would still be there.

Someday my mare will be this good!

Actually, Sky and Lusty remind me very much of each other.

Friday, March 26, 2010

A Mantra.

Don't let Perfect become the enemy of Better.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Reaching the Maximum

I am starting to reach the maximum of my stress tolerance level. I'm purging and restricting with abandon again as well as cutting a few times a day. I won't go anywhere without my razor because I so hate the overwhelming nature of my feelings. I am so frustrated, so stressed, so overwhelmed, so confused. I feel like I am ready to have a nervous breakdown. Yippee!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Monday, March 8, 2010


I can't even begin to explain how much this pisses me off.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

I should play this every day!

One of my strengths.

I may only acknowledge this on my good days or on rare occasion, but when I am high, I am very proud of my ability to take things that could be stressful or disappointing and laugh a little. I can find a little humor or irony in almost everything. In some sense, I am very resilient about a lot of little things.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

The Nature of Recovery

I have frequently come to the edge of being ready to think about exactly what it means to recover.

1.) Recovery means learning to eat normally, maintaining a stable weight and not obsessing over weight, calories and body shape.
2.) Recovery means learning to accept me, as I am, despite also having a desire to grow and develop as an individual.
3.) Recovery means not hating my body and learning to feel comfortable in my body. It means learning to accept eating as a normal and necessary part of my life.

It is easy for me to figure out how to describe recovery in clear terms when it comes to the stereotypical stuff about eating disorders. But recovery is going to mean a lot more than that. It is going to mean surrendering the entire worldview that I have developed and constructing a new one. MUCH easier said than done. It is going to mean dealing with emotions and events that I have never even broached before. It is going to mean a lot of things that I don't even understand.

And I am scared shitless!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

The Axiom that Defines Everything

My life starts from a simple statement, one that has no good or bad reasons to support it:


Everything else in my life starts from that simple axiom. I am horrible implies all of the following. I hate me. I am lazy. I cannot work hard enough to overcome my laziness. I am stupid. I cannot achieve enough to overcome that stupidity. I am ugly. I am unlovable. Any affection directed toward me is completely a result of the fact that people don't know how horrible I am. I am fat. I do not deserve love, attention, food, praise or success. I don't deserve second chances or sympathy.

I know that this axiom is probably not a good one. It is distinctly not healthy, but all of my intellectual skills do not prepare me for figuring out how to contradict an axiom. Logic, yes. Axioms, no.