Tuesday, January 29, 2008


That's all there is to it. This is crazy.

My weight is stable. The same, everyday. 158.

Granted it seems high, but really? I'm tall and fairly broad. The best part is that weight fluctuations are miserable. 158. 149. 162. All in the span of two days. I'll stick with the stable weight. Okay, maybe I'll try to lose a little.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Carson Kressly Has Earned My Respect

So, I saw How to Look Good Naked today for the first time.

Holy schneikies. Right on target in my mind. First, it acknowledges that looks matter. It doesn't live under the fairy tale that beauty is internal; who cares what the outside looks like? There may be supermodel beauty inside, but people are lousy and they see the outside and they judge. Second, it acknowledges that you don't have to be a size zero to be beautiful. Nor is there some inherent beauty in "fat acceptance." But in some sense, we are stuck with the body we got, we might as well figure out how to get on well with it. And it's not worth hating yourself over. Work with it, take what you have, and move on with your life.

So here's to Carson and How to Look Good Naked. Join the Perception Revolution!

Thursday, January 24, 2008

MY NCUR Abstract Was Accepted!

They call that "just?"

Has anybody noticed that the Christian god has a crazy conception of "justice?" Listening to my "guilty" pleasure, Adventures in Oddessy, I hear their interpretation of Solomon. Here is the "justice" of god, Solomon screws up, and god rains down costs on the community. What the hell?

Oh, and by the way, how can Solomon be the wisest man that ever lived, as god promised him, if Jesus lived. Does that mean god lied?

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

I'm Happy, Damnit!

I seem to be having difficulty convincing people that I am happy, content and certain that I could not ask for more out of life. Why do they not think that my experience of life is somehow less because I picture life in a different way!

Monday, January 21, 2008

That's Right.

I am that weird. So weird, the people that I always thought could at least "get" part of me, don't get me any more. I guess that means I feel alone. That's probably why I cling to professors. They make much more sense to me. I don't really understand why. It makes sense, my argument about recoverED makes sense, strong assumptions. But it isn't a fun argument. I argued that there was something fundamentally different about people with EDs than people without EDs. And I argued that people don't know themselves or the world in which they live. It's unsettling. Most people find it scary. I don't. I have no clue why. Maybe I am deluded, but it is a deluded that works for me.

I do, I feel alone.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

People who see clearly

Are considered blind.

I made my first post in "advanced recovery" last night about how I didn't want to be recoverED. In the sense that, recoverED isn't my goal anymore. I think it is a ridiculous goal for only those who live by fairy tales about what it means to have a mental illness. And my post was promptly moved to Anorexia/Bulimia. Not even A/B Recovery. I am not sick anymore and I am not in denial. Ask others. They agree. But don't ask people who live by fairy tales. All day I have been fighting their belief that I can be recoverED, in the sense that I can get to a point where I am at no higher risk for an ED than anybody else. My ass! I will always be closer to ED than those who have never had an ED. Something made me initially susceptible and there is no reason to think that the proclivity disappeared in the past year or so.

I'm just frustrated. Now that I see clearly, I am considered blind.

Friday, January 11, 2008

A Lesson

I have been trying to decide if I qualify for "advanced recovery." One of the things that has stopped me from saying yes is "in recovery for two years." Well my initial reaction is, no, it has been only three months. That's not true. I haven't used behaviors for three months. I've been "in recovery," more or less so for several years. So, what's the lesson: Recovery takes time. For some of you, that's no shocker on the surface. But, do you really understand what that means? It means you are going to read and get advice at point A, but not even figure out how to put it into practice until point C. Things don't always make sense, they aren't always useful then and there. I think part of recovery is a mining expedition: what are some tools? Dig them out. What are some ideas about what recovery is? Dig them out. And hang onto them until you get back to the lab. Then start testing them. Some of them you will have to test many times before anything happens. Some will be useless from the get go. And a few will be precious platinum.