What a day! I feel like the ED is getting worse, not better. I restricted until about 7 and then all hell broke loose and I b/p-ed twice and then binged again about 1am. And I am planning to restrict tomorrow. . . I have a calorie goal of 600 calories tomorrow, theoretically so I can get to the N's goal of 800 a day by January 31. Sigh!
I knew, I saw the b/p coming, like days ago, and I even had a good idea why, but I did not even try to stop the b/p, instead I planned for it. I PLANNED! I bought the binge food; I ate it fully appreciating the fact that I was going to purge. And while I do not really remember what was going on in my head while I was b/p-ing, I am sure I got some emotional release and I know I got a little "mia-high" because I was just so. . . happy? afterwards.
I knew that I wanted to b/p because I wanted to prove to my roomie that she cannot "keep an eye on me" out of this disorder. I wanted to prove that I, I, was running my life and, god damnit, if I want to b/p, I will! But in the end, b/p gets me no where; why can I not see that?? It is not that I do not want to recover, although it does seem like that right now, just that I know no other way of taking control, being assertive or separating me from everything but the ED. I feel like the ED is the thing that makes me different, special, individual. I really like phrasing it as the one thing that makes me individual; it draws me away from what people say about me, of me, or what I should do. The ED gives me some semblance of an ability to separate myself from culture. And yet it does not.
I know I am on the losing end of this deal, but I do not know how to fold out of the game. . . help?
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