Tuesday, October 30, 2007

So, the hardest lesson for me:
Trust other people. Not just the T or N, trust other people to see the world correctly. For me, recovery is learning to trust what other people tell me about who I am and who I can be. If other people tell me I am sick, they are probably right. I'm probably wrong because I don't see the world as it really exists. If other people tell me I can go do X, I probably can. Trust the people who care about you. Learning to stop fighting with these people and start trusting them was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn.

I am more than habit. A professor told me this. Retreating to Ed because of habit is not acceptable. I can choose otherwise every time. That choice might not be comfortable or easy, but it is a choice. And chances are that I will be fine every time I make the choice to defy habit.

Monday, October 29, 2007

One Month

For the first time in almost ten years, I have gone an entire month without using ANY ED behaviors. I have had good days and days where I had to fight and claw and struggle with Ed. But they were all successes. I am proud and merry-go-sorry all at the same time. I am proud that I have come so far. I am disappointed that I wasted so much of my life, HALF OF IT, dating Ed. I am pleased and peaceful because I have gained such a great perspective on the world. I am amazed because I will NEVER take for granted some of the things every body else does and I will NEVER take for granted just how wonderful life can be, how wonderful I can make it.

I now am in a position where I can really appreciate the relationship I have with Dr. H, K, B, P. . .

There's no point in saying I won't every struggle again, or that I am fully recoverED, but I am well on my way. And even in the rough times, I am willing. Very willing, to do whatever it takes. I am sure now, recovery is possible.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

What would you tell people about having an ED?

This question was posed at group tonight. . . and here is about what I said:

It's like having two people in one body. There's ME--an intellect, an equestrian, a curious ball of energy and there's Ed, my eating disorder, who is tired and isolating. For me, recovery is about learning to listen to bright people tell me who I am and who I can be. Recovery is about seeing reality and teaching me who I am.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Success after Success after Slip after Success

Wow! I ate pizza last night. I ate pb/j today. It's crazy. Something doesn't follow in my mind. I don't understand how I made the change or why I made it. But I did make the change. And I am constantly amazed by that. I don't think very many of you can understand what it means. It is better than being "saved." And I have been saved, so I can say that. I don't even know how to explain it. You know, it is a sense of being oddly aware of the little things. Taking an odd sort of pleasure in the very small things. Having a strong sense of awareness about where you are, where you have been and how grateful you are for being helped to get here. Really, how many people have a sense that just eating pizza is something to enjoy? Exactly.

Everytime that gratitude kicks in, when I have that revelation that "oh, I couldn't have done this while dating Ed," I am glad that I had the opportunity to appreciate all these little things. Life is so much more that way.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

I don't know

I don't know where to go from here. I know I want to go and that it will be exciting. But I don't know where to go. I have spent so much of my life caught up in an Ed, that not having a full blown disorder feels weird and it leaves me with some ambiguity about the future. As long as I was dating Ed, I had a clear goal--lose weight. And now I refuse to follow that goal. Instead, I have to find new goals. And it's not that I don't have new goals--grad school, horses, IMPACT, interactions. But it's that those goals are long therm, self actualizing like goals. What the hell do I do to accomplish now? More importantly, why do I need to accomplish now? Especially in such a tangible sense? Losing weight was so straightforward. I wasn't very good at it, but it was straightforward. And so clear, I knew when I lost weight. I don't know when I write a good paper or ask good questions.

See ambiguous and I don't know how I feel about that. Leaving Ed behind is a sign that I am willing to trust myself in some sense. And that is scary. Am I really worth trusting? Other people seem to think that I am, but when have I ever granted much credence to other people. Exactly, never. Okay, occasionally. Dr. H, Dr. B, and Dr. K. that's probably about it. I guess that is a step and I should be grateful that I have made that step. But what is the next one?

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

The never ending but. . .

I am doing well, but. . .
  • I got on the scale yesterday. I was okay with it at first and I think it is really starting to get to me. God, the number is down. But that's not the point. Who cares about the number. Having energy is better than being th*n. I swear. I love energy.
  • I freaked out about dinner yesterday. I threw what I had bought away and went back to safe foods. I thought I was done with safe food and bad food, except for some of my really, really freaky foods, ice cream, anything fried, fast food, peanut butter, trans fat, chips, general snack food, dessert. Oh, shit that's a lot more than I was thinking I would still have.
  • I kept having to change clothes this morning because I was feeling so huge. But I'm not. There is no way I could have gained several pounds overnight. It is just impossible.
  • I am really keyed up about the "media" section in WS. I don't want to have to hear about it. I know what's there and I don't want to talk about it. Is there a reason I don't want to talk about it? Eh, I don't know. It does trigger me on a regular basis.
  • I have to ask for help. And not for a mental disorder. I have come to terms with having to ask for help about Ed. But this help is for grad school. I want to go to a snazzy grad school and I need help to get the prereqs in. But if I need help, should I even be at a snazzy grad school. Everybody else seems to think so highly of me. Don't they see? I am inept. Damn stubborn and hard working, but not competent. This is overwhelming cognitive dissonance. Probably why I am not ready to leave T yet too.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

So, what's going on?

Lots of stuff. I am thinking about where I want to go with treatment right now. Also, I know there are little Ed moments. I am uncertain and unsure about where future is going to lead me. But I know I want to go there. I want to get to my future, because I know it will be exciting!

Monday, October 8, 2007


Something Changed.

I learned to stop obsessing and start eating. Just eating. I don't know what changed. I don't know how I made the move to not listen to Ed anymore, even though I still hear him. I still hear th*n and kinda loathe my body, but I stopped obsessing. Like I pay attention to other things--Economics, Learning, Curiosity, UP. I just seemed to have "gotten it." And I don't even know what "it" is. But let me tell you, I learned to stop obsessing and start eating and life has never been better.

Some of it is that that I finally made the decision to let myself be. What do I mean? I stopped trying to be perfect or doing the "right" thing. I just let myself be. I accepted my playfulness, my curiosity, my energy. I decided to maybe not violently fight against compliments. I still find compliments weird to my psyche and hugely creating of cognitive dissonance, but I stopped objecting.

I have people to thank for this--Dr. B. and Dr. H. especially. They have totally supported my curiosity and my energy. They have encouraged me to be me. AND THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT. Well they might get some sense of it, but really, I don't know that they really understand how influential they have been. I hope I can pay them back sometime.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

I am SO weird.

And I don't know how to process that. Actually, perhaps intense is a better way of discussing my personality. I care, one hundred and ten percent, about almost everything I do. I don't know how to handle the fact that my intensity and weirdness are so different from many of my peers. It has occurred to me that this has been a huge part of my ED. Trying to fit myself into a normal role. A less intense, a less overwhelming version of who I was. I was OVERWHELMINGLY curious as a child--reading all night long and passionately following my parents around at work. And then these passionate, intense, and weird aspects of me were confined. Pushed into a bedtime, into a quiet child, well behaved and a model child. But I don't fit into that model.

My weirdness makes me feel really alienated from the world. People don't understand me. I cannot discuss things with people because they don't get me. I am "too energetic," "too weird," or "too much." "Too engaged." "Too rational and intellectual." Even the T is giving me the sense that I am "too motivated," despite the fact that I am happier now than I have ever been. Apparently I am supposed to "relax" and "calm down."

Wednesday, October 3, 2007


So, I have this moral principle--individual responsibility over collective responsibility. I don't know if I want it as a value though. Okay, why do I bring this up?? Because that moral principle has been causing me a really great deal of frustration and "feisty tizzies" lately. I am weird and I don't understand why other people aren't as weird as I am. Like, people honestly don't care. What? I have no concept of not caring. I care intensely and I get VERY committed and engaged. Now, although, I don't really expect people to be as 110% engaged as I am, but I mean, 90% would be good. A little greater concern than 0%.

Maybe I am being really cynical. But it's really frustrating. I don't understand how people do not hold themselves to the same standard I hold myself. Okay, that's not entirely true, I understand a little; that's half the reason I am in T--to learn to have a better, less deadly standard of excellence. But I don't understand why people don't hold themselves to a standard of excellence. I understand avoiding a standard of perfection. Perfection is dangerous. Excellence is a good thing. Energy is a good thing. Engagement is a good thing. Excitement is a good thing.

I am not going to try to push myself into the image of a normal person any more. That is a huge part of what Ed was for me. Trying to be normal. Trying to see the world the same way everybody else did. I never will. I will never be normal; the world will always look differently to me. I will always have weird values. And I think that is a good thing.