Sunday, January 31, 2010

What do non-disordered people buy at the grocery store?

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Food is an easy excuse to quantify and capture the emotions that I don't understand.

Friday, January 29, 2010


My expectations are out of line with the expectations that are most prevalent in the world. What I expect to be normal human behavior is really what most people interpret as amazingly high level of performance and expectation. But what I really hate is when people expect that I will do "it" regardless of what it is, whether it is an appropriate expectation. I get the sense that people expect me to be more than human.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Confused and Frustrated

My mirrors are amazingly and unbelievably screwed up. Like the basic laws of light and physics have collapsed.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I'm exhausted.

Finding the courage and energy to voice my secrets is emotionally, physically and mentally draining.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

A Conclusion.

I have reached a conclusion. We have program after program and dollars after dollars devoted to preventing child abuse. The assumption being that if people know what they are doing is wrong and what appropriate boundaries are, they won't violate them. Poppycock! I highly doubt it. What we need to attack is a society wide assumption that children are private property. Until they at least reach puberty, they belong exclusively to their parents and society shouldn't get involved, unless any abuse is obvious and severe and clear. This assumption is completely and totally false. Children are, in the sense that they are property at all, belong to society and society should be intimately involved in the care of children. Licensing parents is probably a step in that direction. Another step is believing the child, even when the abuse is not obvious or severe. Just because the abuser is smart hardly means the abuse should be excused.

Showing her off!!

This is beauty. For 3 hours this morning, I wasn't sick, crazy or afraid of hearing the word hospital anytime soon. I wasn't a CSA survivor and I didn't worry about anything else in the world. It was just a horse and her rider.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Facing yourself, being honest with yourself is much harder than being honest with anybody else. That's step one.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

I should be hungry right now. 335 calories is not enough, but I am anything but hungry.

Sunday, January 17, 2010


Saturday, January 16, 2010

Non-Disordered People

I don't understand you. I wish I did.

I just went grocery shopping. And I am sure that you do not have panic attacks in the cereal aisle because you don't like rice chex, but that has the fewest calories, so that's what you have to buy right? No, you could buy Total, because if you do that, then you have more calories, but better nutrition, so you don't have to eat later in the day. And I'm sure you don't spend 20 minutes looking at diet pills KNOWING they don't work, but still desperately wanting some and then deciding that phen-fen would be a better option.

I cried in the grocery store. How pathetic is that?

Friday, January 15, 2010

Stable today. . . ate lunch an hour ago, maybe 300cals, and still feel overfull. . . snack in 1.5 hours. . . geez. I was 137.8 this morning, which is above my desired BMI, but I got down to 134 yesterday, *squirms with excitement*

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Slowly coming down. . . maybe because I'm not eating.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Still going. . . get distracted really easily. . . don't write in cohesive thoughts. . .


I am a tad manic right now, been that way all day. My brain feels like this a;lkfjkdsafjeoifjoaewlmfnoiehfoehfnwejf. . . ya, know, unless I am very conscious of what is going on, at which point I can work, but just feel like I am going to explode.

The most disordered thought in some time

142!!!!!!!!!!!! BMI 21.9!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, January 11, 2010

The Ethic of Self-love.

So, ethics generally starts from the point that other people matter. And despite the fact that I think there are generally too many people who are self-absorbed, there is something to be said of the need to balance "other people matter" with "I matter."

A whole ton of my disordered psyche starts from the fact that I think other people matter and I don't. The idea that my sole purpose in life is to worry about other people's interests, how my actions affect others. That isn't healthy. I don't know how to balance the interests of others with my own interests, passions and health. That is the million dollar question.
If all goes according to plan, I will eat somewhere between 1200 and 1500 calories today. Apparently, doctors think that is a little low and they will harp on me about it. HOWEVER, I don't have a clue how I would hope to get in any more than that. I will have eaten three meals, had some skittles for a snack, and 2 cups of hot chocolate. I don't eat meat, so that tends to bring the calorie counts down. I avoid fat, apparently a bad thing--kills concentration (which explains A LOT really). And I do eat a lot of whole fruits and vegetables.

If you watched me eat, it doesn't look disordered. But I know it is, in so many ways, not the least of which the diet pills I eat like popcorn.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Also, I hate being on my period. However, periods usually mean bloating, which means water retention, which means in a couple days, I should be a little skinnier. Nothing disordered about that.


For all those "normal eaters"

Where in gods name do you find a place for 2000 calories every day without binging or eating really horrible food, like fried stuff or full fat ice cream by the gallon?

Thursday, January 7, 2010


It is amazingly sad that I am so excited about that. Especially since I am pretty sure it is just water weight.