How did this whole idea get so hard and so scary and so complicated? When I started down this road, I was not expecting this battle to be as much of a roller coaster as it is. I really was expecting a linear trajectory toward wellness, but the further I get into recovery, the more I realize the trajectory is anything but linear. New behaviors crop up, I slip, I relapse, my mind goes crazy. My trajectory looks like some function that spirals around, with a couple sine curves and cosine curves tossed in. I am rather frustrated by it all.

I am not particularly interested in giving up on recovery. I have been fighting very hard in the last couple days and I am exhausted. I am always fighting. I very much want to recover, but I am so tired and often very discouraged. Where do I go now and how to I help myself understand me?