Mhmm, I am not even sure what to say. The day has been hectic, I have slipped off my MP a couple times and there were a couple little binges, but nothing major. (Perhaps it is poor judgment of me to say nothing major). . . Well, at least nothing major ED-wise. I cut my ankle pretty good and I really kinda feel the urge to cut right now. There are a lot of emotions, about my roommate, my old paster, humans, IMPACT, life in general. I really do not know.
I have been working SO MUCH harder since the Dr. B. thing, almost out of spite for my ineptitudes. I realized in that moment, the ED is pulling me back by the throat. I cannot have the relationships I want if I use the ED as a way to get through life. I have to use better, more productive coping strategies. When most people were developing social skills, late childhood/adolescence, I was doing just the opposite. Isolating myself and developing an ED/SI. I do not know how to accept the affection from Dr. B. any more than I know how to speak Russian. I know how to cut, how to purge, how to starve. . . and how to convince myself those things are all justifiable. But not how to laugh, cry, feel warm and fuzzy, love, be grateful, get excited. Disappointing, I think.
I do, however, have no intention of continuing to be disappointed in myself. Honestly, no more! I am going to force myself to learn these skills and if it means falling on my face over and over again with Dr. B. or anybody else, I think I am prepared to take that risk. . . So, what the hell, I am leaping!
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