I am a sarcastic little bitch. I really am. And it will be the death of me. I get so sarcastic about the ED/SI. I get so sarcastic that I do not treat it as serious as it is. I laugh and scoff it off instead of treating everything as though it is important. Look, I do not know how to explain this, but I use sarcasm as a defense mechanism and escape from the pain of the ED/SI by being sarcastic. It is not a healthy way of dealing and I really think it is going to harm me in the long run. If I cannot learn to face the reality of bulimia and cutting head on, I will not ever move to recoverED.
The other current stumbling block is that for some reason I feel as though I can stop anytime I want and I am in complete control of the ED/SI. I know that is a fucking lie! I cannot just stop anytime I want. I am not in complete control of these behaviors. I may ultimately be in control, but I am not entirely in control. And I hate it.
I am just so frustrated with myself for not being "perfect" in recovery. There is not perfect in recovery and I know that. . . but I let myself walk right into dangerous situations because I think I am somehow more able than normal ED/SI individuals to put myself in bad situations and overcome. I KNOW I NEED the fucking MP and I KNOW I cannot let myself go off of it, but I do, on a regular basis. Because I am in control of the ED (can you hear the sarcasm?).
How do I learn how to submit to the help I am being offered? I simply rebel against it.
How do I learn how to actually fight the urges? I simply "hope" and give a little try to prevent them.
How do I learn how to love myself and my body? I simply have incredible amounts of distaste for them.
God, I am in one hell of a place right now. I am going to journal before bed and if I need 8 pages, damn, I will fill them. I do want to try again tomorrow, despite the hellish way I feel now.
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