Tuesday, February 13, 2007

A LONG, STRESSFUL DAY

Wow, today was insanely stressful and I am just exhausted. Lots of stuff was going on and I do not really know what to do. . .
  • I had a lot of trouble eating early today. I really was stressed about the university week from hell that is headed my way and I am really overwhelmed. I really doubt my ability to do a lot of things I have to get done and I just want to shrink down into nothingness.
  • To boot, I feel really, really alone right now. I was so excited about my MP on Saturday and I do not know how to get that across, how incredibly huge that is for me. Maybe tomorrow. . . even though I already want to restrict.
  • I had an appointment with the ED specialist and, wow, I was honest, but she really does not know what my T had in mind when I was referred. Maybe meds? I would be okay with that. Anyway, the appointment was long, and exhausting and frankly, I am sick of being sick. It is an exhausting process to be sick. . . to be continuously (and I mean continuously, not continually) pushing emotion down, behind the ED/SI. I do not know now not to be sick, but I am tired of it. I am sick of meeting new Tx people and giving them my life story and trying to let them understand how crazy I really am. I do not want to be sick anymore. I really wish I could figure out how to be well thought. What the hell does that mean? I have no idea what being well or being healthy would be like or what it would involve. I have been sick for so long, seven years, that I do not remember what it is like to be well, to not have every little thought consumed by food and calories and f*t. But I wish I did.
  • And in all the stress I b/p-ed. It is so frustrating. I don't want to do that anymore, but I do not know now to not do that. . . *sigh* And the idea of SI is running across my mind right now. . .
  • I just feel so unheard. There are things I want to say, I want to scream about how I do not want to be sick any more and how I want health and how scared I am and how every little scar on my ankles, the scratches on my knuckles represents something I could not figure out how to say with words. Honestly, the entire day has been overwhelmed by the "that which I do not know how to say with words, I scream with my body." How do I learn how to use my voice and use words? Nobody is hearing my body, but I see no hope in them hearing my words either. (Clearly, I do need the rhetoric training!)
*sigh* I do not know what to say. . .

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