and I still ignore it? I KNOW I DO NOT WANT TO DIE FROM THIS!!! I KNOW I COULD!!! I KEEP USING BEHAVIORS!!!!! What the hell is wrong with me? I hate it when people say this, but why do I not just stop?? I know, I know, because eating disorders are not like walking; I cannot just stop and be normal. The ED/SI still serve a purpose for me; I just wonder what it is. Yes, a voice and a way for me to feel as though I have some control over my body. But those all seem so awfully insignificant. I guess the are not.
Back to the original point. How can I see so clearly what is going on and not fix what is going on?? I know and I can psycho-babble everything for the ED, but I refuse to let it go. This is not to say there is not work I need to do, lessons I need to learn, but I should have some level of agency over whether I eat or whether I binge or whether I purge. Why do I always use that agency in the wrong direction??
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