Digging and going nowhere

I really do not know what is going on with me. . . I hardly even know what to say.

1. I think I am really afraid to give up the ED/SI because I do not know what the other side looks like. How would I be? I would not be the person I am now; rather, I suspect I would be radically different. I am so scared, for some reason, that giving up the ED means giving up who I am and losing some "essential" part of my identity. In my rational world, I do not even believe there is much essential about me. I really think I am a product of not just internal, innate factors, but also of social interaction, relational experience and cultural exposure. The ED is not necessarily part of that, but the ED is the product of that. Being recovered would be no different than developing the ED, a product of social and innate forces, relational experiences and new exposures. But this is more of an issue with the SI because the SI does something that makes my life real, makes my experience real and tells my story. Those scars, they mean something. There are reasons some are criss-crossy and some are words. I hate to think that I lose that communicative method. I simply do not think my voice is likely to be as effective at making my experience real for me.
   
2. I am not post the "I would rather be dead than fat" phenomenon. I would rather be skinny than alive I think. I am aware of just how much the idea of starving is purely a "look, I am sick" communication, but do you have any better ideas about how to convince people who have no respect for my voice that I am sick? A BMI of 15 would do it, you think? I think it would. But there is a lot else going on about why I want so desperately to be skinny. Success, strength, discipline, control. PERFECTION.
3. So, in that case, why am I b/p'ing all the time? What do I get from that? I get it all out. All my indiscretions, all my imperfection, all the out of control-ness. Food is representative of all that is wrong, all that is imperfect, all that is evil and I can get it all out. It is amazingly powerful to have that much control over one's body. A sad powerful and a dangerous powerful. My chest squeezes and I have been known to purge blood, but look at the power. Internal bodily functions at my control. Amazing!
4. For those of you who have not considered the soothing effect of these behaviors, do not underestimate how comforting and soothings the ED/SI are. Warm blood is amazingly comforting and beautiful, even as it symbolizes all that is wrong with me and all that I cannot handle. Starving, oh my, the ultimate peace really. The perception of not being at the will of anything, not even food, not even the body. Just a calm that pervades everything. The ED thoughts about calories, weight, fat all provide such a lovely focus that eliminates all the outsides stressors. Life is made easy, reduced to such numbers. It is like econ, only more so! When the world becomes too overwhelming, too unjust, the numbers are true and simple. The numbers remain, the food is constant and there too are my thoughts.
   
5. I can control behaviors, do not get me wrong, I can. But I am so afraid that I will be perceived as somehow instantly well if I stop. They are not everything that makes me sick. If I stopped the behaviors before I was truly well, I would be really worried that I would just set myself up for another relapse like this one. Until I have good strategies, good relapse prevention skills and resources, until I think I can do this alone, I do not want people, support, to go abandoning me, so I do not want to stop behaviors.

*sigh* That was quite long, but nice to get it out.