What I want to say

I want to say things. I want to have a voice, but I do not know how to say what I want to say. . . To say, to speak seems so foreign. I am such a well-trained, demure and submissive girl, who knows her proper place is to be seen and not heard. I know some of what I want to say, but I hardly know how to say it. . .

I want people to know I am not perfect. I try really really hard, deathly hard, but I am not. I need help sometimes. Sometimes I need to be encouraged, sometimes challenged, sometimes I simply need hug and sometimes I need quiet and alone time. I know I hate the fact that I need, but I do, damn it. . .

I want to say how I am not absolutely strong and there are moments where I cannot be everything for everybody. I want to be able to use my voice to tell people to give me alone time sometimes. Like with my roomie, I want to be able to use my voice to say how I want a little bit of "Rachel time" every night. When I crawl into bed, I want to be able to read quietly, journal, whatever. Basically, the underlying principle that I want to get across is that I want to use my voice to set some boundaries for other people and I want them to be more fulfilling than ISOLATION.

I want to be able to say how much I wish I could love my family. I would love to have a family I love as much as my profs, as much as I love the , but I cannot. There will forever be a disjuncture between my family and I. For as long as I have a love for horses, for as long as I have a history of ED/SI, for as long as I try to have an voice. I wish I did not have to have this type of relationship with my family, but I will always have such a relationship and I must be able to say this, just to make it real and stop it from attacking my body.

I want to be able to speak my opinion. I want to be able to find my opinion. I do not know what my opinion is and I want to be able to say it. I want to be able to use my voice to talk about what I think and be able to have a discussion about something I THINK. Even if I change my opinion after the discussion. I really want to be able to say that this is mine, I think this, and this is why.

I think I want to be able to use my voice to say how I feel. I want to have words, have a language to say what I am feeling. I hardly I know not what to call emotions and I know not how to say them. I want to say "I feel right now. is what it feels like." Right now I feel worried because I slid, just an itty bitty bit of my MP today and I really think that sliding makes me a failure and I worry that I must continue to fail.