Yeah, so that sums up my day. . . I started off restricting and I was a little lightheaded during yoga on account of the, oh, 400 calories I ate in the morning not really doing a good job running my bodily process. It felt good, it really felt good to be hungry--so controlled. But I know I have to drag myself, as much as I kick and scream, to food sometimes. . . and sometimes away. But lookie, I ate dinner. I probably ate the N-mandated minimum of 900-1000 calories, but I am sure I did not keep my MP the way I NEED to, but I did much better after about 7:00. With NO b/p-ing (something I tend to do when I try to make up for restricting in the evening).
Okay, so the big thing. . . I feel the ED/SI coming up to me. I hear their calls, the soft whispers of comfort and security. The warm feelings and the highs of independence. Most of all, I hear the loud calls of self loathing and body alienation. I really do have this deep seated HATE for my body. Maybe it is because I perceive my body as having betrayed me. Maybe I am a little angry with my body for giving me a place to live. I would kinda like to be invisible and having a body does prevent that. I am so easily made angry by my body and I am still slightly in the dark about how to deal with that. I just want to place those labels on my skin, so they are there, even people who are too dumb to realize all my faults will be able to see them, right there in English. To write that out seems so fucked up and it is, but like my T said, I am unsure I am willing to let all the associated feelings into the room and sit in the corner, I do not know how to deal with them; I am much more comfortable sending those feelings into the attic and dealing with them in the dark.
This is a frustrating battle, but I will try to keep fighting the war. I am so scared I will not win and will find myself utterly condemned.
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