I keep making the choice. I know how to not b/p. I know how to starve very well and I know how to starve myself right into a b/p episode. I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO EAT LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN. It's frustrating. I know I have a lot of training, in a lot of different areas. But for all that training, I know now how do some of the more fundamental things of humans. Intellectual chatter? Got it, down pat, no sweat, I can rattle of intellect until the end of time! But the things most humans are so good at--saying mine, look at me, I need that, I want this--I am very inept at saying. I do not know how to say "I need. . . " (fill in the blank).
Granted, it is awkward to have to say "I need you to not talk about weight" or "It would be really helpful if you would just give me a hug." (BTW, Dr. B. is so right, as much as I hate humans, I am desperate for a gentle touch.) My T and I have a program set up to help me learn how to say what I need/think/want but it is much different in a 12x12 office than it is in the real world. I do not know anything about being normal.
People often tell me to think about life before the ED, before I hated my body, before I hated myself and try to remember how much better that time was. I never understand such advice because I have not the foggiest recollection of such a time. I looked at my ankles today and just stared; they say it all: I hate myself, with amazing vitriol and virulent passion.
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