Interesting Experiences

Over the last couple days I have had some interesting experiences and I think all of them have helped me clarify the ED/SI.

• I have had two people encourage me to get IP or Residential treatment over the summer. I don't think I am by any means that sick. Yes, I understand I still need some treatment, but I am not using behaviors on a daily basis, close, but not daily. And I really think I just need to work a little harder if I want to get this under control, but I don't think I need more outside help. NOBODY else can save me, NO Tx can save me, I have to save me.
  
• I am petrified of recovery, much more scared than I am of being sick for the rest of my life. I really think being sick is the only way I am going to get attention. If I get sick enough, people will be concerned. . . perhaps we should replace people with parents. If I weigh 90lbs, do you think they will care? What about 130? I will have to learn to get what I need--love, affection, confidence--from ME.
  
• You know, I had the weirdest experience yesterday. I have been going to the rec a lot and I have finally discovered the nerve to go swimming which entails wearing a swimsuit where my legs must be bare. YIPES. Now generally I would not mind because I don't know anybody there, but yesterday they had a bunch a swim lessons. Thus, there were lots of little kids running around and I know my ankles look like HELL. Now, I don't expect college students to ask; we're too self conscious. But little kids don't have that inhibition. They don't care. I cannot imagine having to explain my ankles to a child. Imagine.
• I am so sick of my roomie. Encroaching on my space and I cannot figure out how to simply use my voice, appropriately. Apparently I went a little too far last night and exploded at her. I feel so guilty about it. Well, I actually don't feel guilty, I cut that out last night. But I think I should be guilty right now. I hope next year's randomly assigned roomie is a little saner for me. But who the hell knows?