UGH! I don't want to eat, I want to purge, I want to cut. Part of it might be feeling a little overwhelmed by school and part of it might be that I am a little anxious about a speech tonight. But I don't think that is what is really at the root of this. I am afraid of giving these behaviors up; what will be left for me to use to deal? The voices in my head just go over and over about how f*t I am, how lazy I am, and how f*t eating will make me. I am so sick of thinking about such petty issues. Also, definitely feeling voiceless, but too scared to make my voice heard. I cannot use my voice; I know how to use my body. Yeah, my mind is a bit scattered right now too.
Fuck it, I am going to go try and eat lunch and try to keep it down. Fuck.
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