I am not ready

I am not ready for this. I am leaving for NYC in like nine hours, to spend three days with some people I respect and eating out. I am not ready. I am not in a good position for that to occur. I was doing so well and then all these emotions literally fell out on my lap and I feel overwhelmed by them. So much so that I am have a hard time convincing myself to eat. I just want to feel empty. Very empty. The emotions are not going to go away, but I can make my body empty.

You know, I tried to be assertive last night. I really did, but I think I might have been more effective if I would have simply flat out SI'ed, right in front of her and spoke that way. I think she would have listened better. Fuck. My communication would be so much clearer if I could just convince people to read my ankles. Everything is right there. My loneliness, my fears, my self loathing. If a picture is worth a thousand words, then scars are worth a million and bones worth many millions.

I really might end up dying before Dr. B. Of this I am aware, I am just trying to decide if I care that much.