The never ending but. . .

I am doing well, but. . .

• I got on the scale yesterday. I was okay with it at first and I think it is really starting to get to me. God, the number is down. But that's not the point. Who cares about the number. Having energy is better than being th*n. I swear. I love energy.
  
• I freaked out about dinner yesterday. I threw what I had bought away and went back to safe foods. I thought I was done with safe food and bad food, except for some of my really, really freaky foods, ice cream, anything fried, fast food, peanut butter, trans fat, chips, general snack food, dessert. Oh, shit that's a lot more than I was thinking I would still have.
  
• I kept having to change clothes this morning because I was feeling so huge. But I'm not. There is no way I could have gained several pounds overnight. It is just impossible.
  
• I am really keyed up about the "media" section in WS. I don't want to have to hear about it. I know what's there and I don't want to talk about it. Is there a reason I don't want to talk about it? Eh, I don't know. It does trigger me on a regular basis.
• I have to ask for help. And not for a mental disorder. I have come to terms with having to ask for help about Ed. But this help is for grad school. I want to go to a snazzy grad school and I need help to get the prereqs in. But if I need help, should I even be at a snazzy grad school. Everybody else seems to think so highly of me. Don't they see? I am inept. Damn stubborn and hard working, but not competent. This is overwhelming cognitive dissonance. Probably why I am not ready to leave T yet too.