I don't know where to go from here. I know I want to go and that it will be exciting. But I don't know where to go. I have spent so much of my life caught up in an Ed, that not having a full blown disorder feels weird and it leaves me with some ambiguity about the future. As long as I was dating Ed, I had a clear goal--lose weight. And now I refuse to follow that goal. Instead, I have to find new goals. And it's not that I don't have new goals--grad school, horses, IMPACT, interactions. But it's that those goals are long therm, self actualizing like goals. What the hell do I do to accomplish now? More importantly, why do I need to accomplish now? Especially in such a tangible sense? Losing weight was so straightforward. I wasn't very good at it, but it was straightforward. And so clear, I knew when I lost weight. I don't know when I write a good paper or ask good questions.
See ambiguous and I don't know how I feel about that. Leaving Ed behind is a sign that I am willing to trust myself in some sense. And that is scary. Am I really worth trusting? Other people seem to think that I am, but when have I ever granted much credence to other people. Exactly, never. Okay, occasionally. Dr. H, Dr. B, and Dr. K. that's probably about it. I guess that is a step and I should be grateful that I have made that step. But what is the next one?
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