Sunday, October 7, 2007

I am SO weird.

And I don't know how to process that. Actually, perhaps intense is a better way of discussing my personality. I care, one hundred and ten percent, about almost everything I do. I don't know how to handle the fact that my intensity and weirdness are so different from many of my peers. It has occurred to me that this has been a huge part of my ED. Trying to fit myself into a normal role. A less intense, a less overwhelming version of who I was. I was OVERWHELMINGLY curious as a child--reading all night long and passionately following my parents around at work. And then these passionate, intense, and weird aspects of me were confined. Pushed into a bedtime, into a quiet child, well behaved and a model child. But I don't fit into that model.

My weirdness makes me feel really alienated from the world. People don't understand me. I cannot discuss things with people because they don't get me. I am "too energetic," "too weird," or "too much." "Too engaged." "Too rational and intellectual." Even the T is giving me the sense that I am "too motivated," despite the fact that I am happier now than I have ever been. Apparently I am supposed to "relax" and "calm down."

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