I saw the doctor yesterday. I have antidepressants now. I am not entirely sure how I feel about it, but I am relatively confident it is a good thing. I am sick of being tired all the time and sick of hating myself and sick of insomnia. And I do not know how to fight it by myself. I am not giving up; I am adding another resource to my list. It does feel a little like giving up, along the lines of I am not strong enough to do it, I have to have help. And I think that says something about me, something that I have control over. If I were stronger, smarter, braver, thinner, I would be all better. That's not true. I know those things are not true.
On the other side of things, I found the campus scale. I will not say how much I was should that trigger somebody else, but I am freaking out over 1/2 a pound. And the compulsive exercise is getting fairly bad. My ankles are killing me, but I will not stop exercising. Sometimes, if I eat too soon before bed, I really freak out and have to do a bunch of situps/pushups/jumping jacks before I can go to bed. I am petrified of waking up f*t. Also, that's not true.
A lot of what I think is not true. I have good, solid training in CT, but I refuse, apparently, to apply those skills to my reality. Hmmm. They say I am bright; I still think they lie.
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