I am crazy. Period. I do not like it; I feel like my mind is beyond my own control. Even as I make steps toward recovery, those steps are "superficial." They are behavior based. I have not hated myself more in a LONG time. Every day, the self-hatred is overwhelming. I have trouble motivating; I am a very motivated person, I just am not seeing why I should bother to get out of bed. I know the day will be terrible before I get up and I know all that will come of it is more and more self hatred and more behaviors. WHY BOTHER?! I do not feel the same way about doing a lot of the things I love. Um, horses and econ drag me a little out of this semi-catatonic state, but other than that, I feel really blarg.
Fuck it! Just fuck it all!
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