Have you ever felt dead? The feeling of not existing is one of the most disconcerting feeling I have ever experienced; life is literally passing YOU by and YOU are watching. Sure you are working or playing or whatever, but YOU are not really. There are no emotions involved. Just bland images in front of your face. The tougher part, getting back into reality. To know one is alive, truly alive, one must feel something. Amazingly effective is the feeling of pain. The vision of blood. I certainly do not want anyone to think this has any long term effect, because it does not. It is a short term fix. In a day, in an hour, in a few minutes, I might need to bring myself back into reality and repeat.
There is also the risk that I will have brought myself too far back to reality and will instead become petrified of what these emotions are and then get rid of them. Emotions are scary, believe it or not. Part of this journey is learning how to deal with, NOT ignore, suppress, or distract myself from, my emotions. The challenge is being okay with the idea of giving up the ED/SI and allowing myself to deal with emotions, fixing the possible comorbid mental disorders, and learning about ME again.
The road is long and rough, but totally I hope it will be absolutely worth it! (I am quite good at relapse if the ending is not something I appreciate ;))
No comments:
Post a Comment